Have you ever been ghosted? Have you ever ghosted someone else?
In “Why People Ghost — and How to Get Over It,” Adam Popescu writes about the phenomenon of ghosting and the psychology behind it:
Something strange happened at the coffee shop the other day. The gentleman in line in front of me — mid-40s, suit, bad haircut — ordered a latte. “Whole milk,” he said before changing to half and half, then almond milk. “For here,” he mumbled, then shook his head. “No. To go.”
I ordered an espresso. Our drinks arrived at the same time and I picked up mine, added sugar, sat, sipped. The latte remained at the counter, the barista calling his name over and over. But the man in the suit was gone. Why would someone order a drink and disappear?
Ghosting — when someone cuts off all communication without explanation — extends to all things, it seems. Most of us think about it in the context of digital departure: a friend not responding to a text, or worse, a lover, but it happens across all social circumstances and it’s tied to the way we view the world.
Asking for a beverage and then jetting may not seem equal to ditching an unwanted romance, but it’s really the same behavior. Uncomfortable? Just don’t respond. A ghost is a specter, something we think is there but really isn’t. We’ve all probably acted like this if we’re honest. We’ve all probably been ghosted, too, though sometimes we probably didn’t notice. These are supernatural times.
Last week, my sister and I got in an argument and her boyfriend didn’t text me back — a micro-ghost move.
“There are different levels of ghosting,” said Wendy Walsh, a psychology professor named one of Time’s 2017 people of the year for her whistle blowing that helped promote the #MeToo movement. My sister’s boyfriend is what Dr. Walsh calls lightweight ghosting. Midweight is when you’ve met a person a handful of times and you engage in deep avoidance, which hurts their feelings more. “Third wave is the heavyweight, when you’ve entered a sexual relationship and you leave, blindsiding the other.”
The article explores ways to deal with ghosting:
“It’s really important to remember if someone ghosts you that behavior says more about them than you,” Dr. Vilhauer said. “It’s about their discomfort. You have to keep trying.”
One way to avoid this cycle is modifying how we reject people, suggests Dr. Freedman.
Don’t apologize, she said, but be honest about boundaries, whether it’s going to a movie with someone or spending the rest of your life together. Just be real.
“The good middle ground is explicitly rejecting someone and telling them ‘no,’ not ‘I’m sorry,’” she said.
It may sound harsh, but it’s better than being left in limbo. That may be why so many daters don’t get the hint and keep texting. That ostracism leads to rage, frustration and further alienation.
“If you’re apologizing, you’re enforcing a social norm and if you say ‘sorry,’ it’s very normal to say ‘that’s O.K., I forgive you,’” she said.
Students, read the entire article, then tell us:
— Have you ever been ghosted? If yes, tell us what happened. How did it make you feel? How did you handle the situation?
— Have you ever ghosted someone else? Why do you think you chose this way to cut off contact with another person? Having read this article, do you think you would act differently if you were to able to do it over again?
— What strategies did you learn from the article that you might use in possible ghosting situations in the future?
— Is ghosting a big problem? How common is it with your friends and family? What does the phenomenon tell us about relationships and communication in 2019? Are people less able to handle discomfort and uncomfortable situations than in the past?
Students 13 and older are invited to comment. All comments are moderated by the Learning Network staff, but please keep in mind that once your comment is accepted, it will be made public.B:
2017年香港白小姐心水论坛“【思】【慕】【我】？”【元】【泽】【冷】【笑】【出】【声】，“【是】【的】，【你】【没】【有】【错】，【可】【你】【的】【心】【意】【是】【你】【的】【事】，【跟】【本】【君】【毫】【无】【关】【系】。【没】【有】【一】【条】【天】【规】【可】【以】【约】【束】【你】【的】【心】【意】，【也】【没】【有】【一】【条】【天】【规】【要】【求】【本】【君】【必】【须】【接】【受】【你】【的】【心】【意】！” “【你】【可】【以】【不】【接】【受】，【真】【的】，【师】【兄】，【无】【论】【如】【何】【你】【可】【以】【不】【接】【受】！”【雨】【熏】【都】【有】【些】【声】【嘶】【力】【竭】【了】，【可】【是】【她】【还】【是】【不】【想】【让】【他】【离】【去】。 “【可】【是】【师】【兄】，【你】【就】
【渐】【渐】【接】【近】【了】【前】【面】【骑】【自】【行】【车】【的】【人】，**【刚】【要】【张】【嘴】【喊】【一】【声】“【老】【兄】”，【突】【然】【发】【现】【有】【两】【条】【东】【西】【在】【那】【人】【的】【背】【上】【来】【回】【摆】【动】【着】。 **【的】【心】【里】【一】【动】，【眼】【睛】【自】【然】【往】【那】【人】【的】【腰】【下】【看】【去】，【却】【见】【两】【个】【疑】【似】【辫】【梢】【的】【东】【西】【在】【臀】【下】【飘】【动】【着】。 **【的】【心】【里】【一】【个】【激】【灵】，【连】【忙】【看】【向】【前】【面】【那】【人】【的】【背】【影】，【很】【明】【显】【的】【是】【个】【女】【人】【的】【背】【影】，【而】【且】【非】【常】【的】【熟】【悉】。 “2017年香港白小姐心水论坛【黄】【老】【邪】【想】【了】【想】【道】：“【容】【我】【想】【想】，【这】【孩】【子】【凭】【空】【出】【现】【在】【桃】【花】【岛】【上】【面】，【名】【字】【带】【中】【就】【带】【个】【天】【字】【吧】？” 【冯】【衡】【愣】【了】【一】【下】，“**？” 【苏】【羽】：“……” 【名】【字】【这】【件】【事】【苏】【羽】【并】【没】【有】【通】【过】【自】【己】【的】【神】【格】【去】【改】【变】【这】【些】，【既】【然】【来】【了】，【就】【入】【乡】【随】【俗】，【他】【打】【算】【就】【把】【名】【字】【交】【给】【黄】【老】【邪】【去】【取】【就】【是】【了】，【不】【过】【他】【没】【想】【到】【啊】……【这】【个】【名】【字】【不】【会】【是】【认】【真】【的】【吧】
“【包】【拯】【打】【人】【了】！” “【他】【当】【着】【满】【朝】【君】【臣】，【一】【笏】【板】【把】【林】【中】【打】【抽】【抽】【了】【过】【去】。” “【这】【么】【厉】【害】？” “【是】【啊】！【六】【十】【多】【岁】【了】，【比】【咱】【们】【还】【暴】【躁】，【这】【样】【的】【人】，【真】【能】【担】【任】【宰】【辅】？” “……” 【御】【史】【台】【里】，【御】【史】【们】【嘀】【咕】【了】【一】【阵】【之】【后】，【兴】【奋】【之】【情】【溢】【于】【言】【表】。 【宰】【辅】【啊】！ 【让】【一】【个】【宰】【辅】【灰】【头】【土】【脸】，【甚】【至】【把】【他】【拉】【下】【马】【来】，【这】【便】【是】